unny. This blog used to feel like a safe haven. A place i could go to pour my heart and soul and the heavy thoughts that burdened or excited me. Where i didnt feel a shred of judgement and could just simply vent. Yet here i am again back at square one. Two years later and im finally able to return here and spill my brains onto this keypad fpr anyone willing to listen. Im tired. Life is so consuming lately and i just want to stop for a second to breathe. Most days are good- hell some days are great even. But when days are bad, well i dont really know its almost like at any given mmoment im just going to fall apart. I dont have time or energy lately to process these emotions or thoughts so they just bottle up inside me and the slightest annoyance could set me off. Its weird. I started this blog when i was 15 years old. Im going to be 24 this March. Why was it so much easier to just get my thoughts out then than it is now? My thoughts werent nearly as complex or agonizing. My anxiety and depression were never as bad as it is now so i dont understand. I want to add that this post isnt all bad. Generally i am happy. But i feel like if i dont let go of the stress im holding in... it will only hinder the happiness and direction i am striving for. Thanksgiving is coming up soon. I love the food and i love being with my family. Lately looking in the mirror slightly disgusts me. I feel hideous and obese. I know im not either of these things and yet my eyes tell me otherwise. Eating, or even the thought of food has started to make me nauseous. I love food. I used to not care about my body. Because i was happy in my skin. I dont want to be afraid to eat. I dont want to constantly be afraid to see my weight in numbers. I dont want to have to force myself to deny any food that i think is bad for me in fear that it will make me gain weight. Im so tired of beating myself up. Its a downward spiral and im trying my damndest to pull myself through this spinning vortex tooth and nail. Things at work are turning up for me. Being the supervisor at wok box has shed some good light in my life and as hard as it is keeping me away from my family it does give me a sense of purpose... and i find complete solace in that. Anyways this has been a positive moment for me. Letting this out actually has made me feel a bit happier. I really plan on continuing these posts again. If not for the benefit of bettering myself but possibly inspiring others facing depression anxiety like myself.