such is life, it just keeps going. Things shift, the world around you changes adjusts. There's a small glimmer of hope peaking through the crack like a thin beam of light at the end of a cave. I'm hopeful, I'm optimistic. I tried forcing myself to move on. I tried listening to advice from friends and family to just throw myself back out there again. I tried, but I couldn't. I couldn't follow through knowing that I wasn't truly enjoying myself, knowing i was doing something others suggested to do because they think it will help me, but it wasn't helping.. just reminding me how truly depressed I've been. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to accept that things are over, or that they're different. And now he's talking to me, and I'm being naive thinking he wants to fix things. But it's not that easy, and I keep refusing to see that. Even though it's blatantly obvious and staring me in the face. I just love, love. I love being in love, with him. I can't let go of these feelings because it means taking a part of me with it.

I sit here, in my bed. Three blankets rested across my legs, and the heat from my laptop warming my lap. just the dim light from my lamp on my bedside table softly illuminating my small, quite room... my happy place. Where I've secluded myself for weeks. Where I leave myself to unhealthy thoughts and feelings. Squeezing my teddy bear in my arms, wishing it was his body next to me. Every day. Every night. Longing, and every day it gets worse. It's almost been a month. I can't take the pain, the realization. Staring at the days passing by on the calendar ... knowing full well how long it's been. Knowing full well that we never made it to the six months you were aiming for. Knowing we failed each other, I couldn't be who you wanted. we were both too stubborn to work on issues together, so we faced them alone and it tore us apart. I love you. And even now, despite everything, that hasn't changed. Maybe one day I'll be the person you proudly show off and talk about, and want people to know of, or get to know. And I'm sorry that I made you feel ashamed of me. But this was me, I was always me. The person you had taken such a keen interest in before, the person you stayed up all night talking to for months before we started dating. But it all just faded so fast. In sorry. I'm so sorry. I wanted to be perfect for you. I knew how perfect we were. and how badly everyone and everything was rooting for us. I truly believed we would make it. But we failed. I failed. I just wanted t be your perfect boyfriend, the one you deserved. One day to be able to call you my husband, to say that we did it. But you let go. you gave up on me

And still I keep holding onto hope.
I love you. please come back.