Am I dying? No. But a part of me feels like it has. A bitter pilled swallowed dry. A feeling of emptiness, that what used to be so great has been lost, and likely will cease to return. I have to ask myself, or God, or whatever. If this was all part of the plan for me? Why this distinct and unclear, fucking confusing journey that I am on. Why? And why is it that i never feel like Im provided with the answers that i seek - the freedom that I seek. Like life has a pocketknife in my side and is slowly twisting it back and fourth, deeper and deeper until it hits bone. Im powerless. Searching for a semblance of happiness in the darkness, a glimmer of hope or even the slightest trace of light to pull me out of this hole I've found myself buried in. It will come. It will come. Thats what i keep telling myself. A soothing lullaby, a promise that one day everything will fall into place. Maybe not anytime soon. But eventually. one day, it will all be clear. the signs, the stars, the moon. Everything will shift, everything will balance. And that true smile that once left my face will return again. And the empty space in my heart will have mended itself, leaving the tiniest space left for someones love to fill. and the world will seem less grey. And the people wont seem so cold. yes. That is what i want. That is the picture I've painted in my head a billion times. The scene i've tried so tediously to recreate with words. To pick up a pen and illustrate the beauty, the haunting haunting beauty of the world I so desperately desire. His hand holding mine, on a dock. The cool autumn air and the gentle splashings of the soft, slow pond water smacking into the support beams, the soft coo of the birds signing together in perfect harmony. The gentle rustle of the orange and yellow leaves carried through the trails, brushing gently over the sticks. The sun going down, outlining the horizon. just his hand in mind, a warm blanket and a soft gentle fire. us. together. Its perfect. But it wont be. At least not now, or any time soon. And accepting it has been the hardest thing to do. But If I truly love him, I have to hope that he will come back to me. Because deep down i believe from the very bottom of my heart that he was meant for me.