I don't feel like formatting this post. I dont really feel like anything right now. I'm just here, existing - barely. I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand, the harder i fight the more I sink. Im so lost and confused, angry that I can't do anything to prevent the inevitable outcome, all the while desperately praying on everything I have that it doesn't end up that way. What do I do? who do I go to? How am I supposed to continue, my earth is shaking and caving in around me. Everything is so different. Im just a big mess of tears right now. I want what was so special back, I dont want to have to fear losing it - but I am, and its becoming increasingly apparent with every day that passes, with every day that grows nearer and nearer to THAT day. Its a decision that is haunting me from sunrise to sunset. I barely eat, barely sleep. Things are changing. I can feel it. I wish I could hold you close, but i feel like inevitable you will vanish like a puff of smoke. The effort I'm putting fourth is just driving a distance between us. I'm falling apart and I want so bad for you to help me put myself back together. Why does all of this have to happen now? Why do I not deserve happiness? What - honestly have I done so bad in my life to have everything in some way fail on me? I guess only time will tell. Hope is the only thing I have right now. My faith is shaken but I'm determined to fight for this love. I want to free myself from this quicksand, I want to be able to say I made it. we made it. I wish this wasnt such a difficult decision for you. I understand, but Im hurt. Everything Ive wanted for, for so long I finally have - but for how much longer, and at what cost? I can't stop crying. the pain is too real. every thought feels like a giant blow to the stomach. This just all seems so unfair. If there is a god, why am I being taunted? i feel so overdramatic and I also feel validated. I'm so perplexed and I cant even seem to muster up the right words to TRULY tell you what is really going on with me. We haven't been together long but you've changed my life. My heart is so much happier, i feel like I really know what love is again, a feeling I've lost years ago. Why? I can't stop asking this question?

I have to go.