Scribbles

I guess it's good no one really reads these anymore. Im feeling a bit lost in my head, hurt, confused... kinda feeling rejected, maybe even ignored - yet at the same time it could 100% just be all in my head. I dont know, it just seems like something/ everything seems to be more important than me lately. It sounds so self-centred but I just want that comforting feeling of knowing im someones everything and yet I feel like im back in the same situation i was in before. tell me about your day, damn even just take 20 minutes even ten freaking minutes to talk to me. I know you're busy but really? I just want to know i cross your mind at least once, to be important enough that you WANT to hear my voice, or see my face. But now im sitting here crying on the couch feeling sorry for myself and letting my mind run wild and I cant even have you here calming me down and holding me saying youre not going anywhere and you promise that you love me because you're not even in the country right now. Fuck. These passed three weeks have been so fucking exhausting. I saw you a total of two hours. TWO HOURS! now all i get is a few exchanges and dropped conversations halfway through only to be picked up a few hours later or ignored completely. I'll post photos, statuses, even text in hopes that you know im awake, or im online and... nothing. God I miss you so much. I just need to feel it in return, and I dont. It's such a soul-crushing feeling. my anxiety is through the roof, my heart hurts, all those dark unhappy feelings I was having before are coming back. Im so lonely. I just want to see you, talk to you, kiss you, hold you. But i can't do any of that, and it chips away at me with every day that passes and you arent here. Im already mentally preparing for when you get back that you'll be too tired to see me, you've already warned me of this, and i feel like you've already made up your mind anways. so what started as "i'll be back on the 19th" became "im actually back the 20th at 12:30" to "im to tired i'll see you tomorrow?" which i'll be busy dealing with the fashion show im in, so *shrugs* . I really hate being this bitter, i feel like im being annoying but i also feel justified. ugh. this is why i hate being left alone to my own thoughts. I love him so much. I really fucking do. I just dont want to let my walls down and be hurt. He's already steamrolled over my heart for all the right reasons and I just dont want him to lose interest. it already feels that way. and oh god does that terrify me.

I'm going to head to bed, my eyes are swollen and dry from all the crying. Im glad this is off of my chest and hopefully these feelings will be buried away and they wont resurface.

-Michael

Life hasn't been exciting, no wondrous twists and turns. It's just been going. it's been so stale that I've really had nothing to talk about. The new wok box location has YET AGAIN been pushed back, this time to September?!? remember when it was reportedly going to open in ~~January~~ of 2017? Pepperidge farm sure does! other than that, life is good. I'm just happy. I'm exhausted, but I'm happy.

Hudson is a three year old now which is mind-boggling because I began this blog when i was in grade 9 in highschool and now here we are 10 years later and I have a three year old son! He's a pain in the ass most of the time but he's my pain in the ass and I wouldnt have it any other way!

Ugh, I've become so reliant on chat lingo that when I'm simply writing a journal such as this I find it extremely difficult to not put 'lol' or 'haha' at the end of every sentence, then again if you know me im generally laughing out loud after everything ive or someone else has said anyways... so it's somewhat justified. I'm sitting here wit a bowl of grapes, constantly refreshing my facebook news feed at 1 in the morning expecting there to be something different.... there isn't. I don't know why Im so awake, I think part of it is that I really miss my boyfriend, i'm not going to see him much this month and I'm quite bummed about it to be honest. I didn't think I'd be this bothered considering well we've only been dating for 3 months, only really seeing eachother for a little longer than that... but hes made such a huge impression on my heart, not having him near me makes me sad.

I'm off work for two days, recovering from some complications with my body and such but it gives me ample time to (finally) paint my walls and get rid of the ever so famous space ship design my dad did for Devon when we were younger. It was cute at 8 years old, not so much when you're a 24 year old homosexual male reduce to living back at your fathers for the time being while you get your life back together, so to speak. Plus i think it will give me time tok clear my mind and just zen out, blast some tunes and get lost in my thoughts - a complete disconnect from distractions and everyone in my personal business, which is ironic considering im venting my feelings out in an electronic notepad but I doubt anyone still reads this anyway, but if you are a person reading this; Heeeeeeeeyyyyyyy!

I probably should attempt to sleep, knowing myself I'll sleep in, feel like i've wasted my day away and kick myself in the ass for the rest of the day for it so off I go!

-Michael