I know this. I know I'm not the first love you've felt in your heart. I know that our mouths full of "forevers" were not the first time we've said them. Our full hearts, our eyes blazened with hope and dreams. But we've both felt loss. We've both felt love cut us with a dull blunt edged knife. The kind of heartbreak that wrecks you.
Our lips, now bruised and scraped, they've seen less skin than scar tissue nowadays. But seemingly when you say forever to me I believe it. it's the kind of love that comes in the middle of the night, like a shooting star or a wish you make when you blow out your birthday candles and everyone asks what you wished for so you lie and say something foolish - like a puppy, or to win the lottery. The kind of love you stop seeking for because you've lost hope, because you've given up on finding it. But that's what I find so miraculous, that's the magic behind us.
When I sleep without you, there's a cold patch of barren skin across my chest where your arm is supposed to be. When we're pressed together at night, keeping our promises between us like drying flowers in old literature. When you kiss me and it feels like my body ignites like a blue flame, I want to shake, tremble as I love you stumbles out of my whisper. The taste of reassurance on your lips. And I find myself wanting to spill all of these words out, but the words are minced when my brain is always thinking about ways to describe the feeling I get when I lay with you. Like in that moment time stops with us but everything else remains the same. I could write dictionaries, thesaurus', novels trying to describe those feelings. The way it feels to have you, entirely. Finally.
We're cracked mirrors. But despite how difficult it is for you, I will spend everyday reflecting your perfect reflection back to you. So you, through my eyes, can really see how truly beautiful you really are. When you shine brighter and more beautiful than the sun or on days when you are shattered into millions of pieces and you need to fall into my arms or rest your head in my lap. When all of your questions seemed to have endless answers - I'll be there. Wether you are a cold kiss from the wind on a still morning or a dark red sky over a monsoon and I find myself in the eye of the storm - I will love you, and the scars and the pain won't matter. Because we have eachother, and that's the kind of love you can't fake. That's the kind of love people die trying to write about.
That's ours. I know this
Hey, how's it going? You're probably confused - you're probably scared and lonely. You've probably stared in the mirror hating the idea of who you are, what you look like, what you sound like. You've lost hope, motivation, you don't know where you're going and the steady decline just makes you wish it would all go away. You're probably locked away in your bedroom- a giant mess of emotions, you've hidden your struggles from everyone because deep down it's easier to pretend your problems don't exist than to burden someone else with them. Using terrible coping methods and distancing yourself from really important people in your life
You've become so numb and so used to carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, so willing to hear everyone else out that you're left alone to fix them and not work on yourself - giving so much of your heart to others and you've allowed a lot of dishonest people to take advantage of your compassion. Terrible, terrible things have happened to you because of this and many times you've wanted to give up altogether. You feel so lost and you're really at that make or break moment in your life.
But hold on, please. I promise you that your future holds so so much promise. And soon enough the deep-rooted pain slowly stings less and less, and happiness will come to you with unconditional love in the form of a baby boy, and you see your reflection in his gorgeous blue eyes, eyes you get lost in for awhile like a wide open sea and you're just kind of peacefully drifting under the golden sun. The shattered pieces will start to piece back together. And you will meet people who nurture and fulfill your heart, they encourage your passions and don't tel you that your dreams aren't worth dreaming. They are such good people, keep them around.
Right now you don't take risks because you fear the outcome, you fear punishment, you fear guilt and, you fear abandoning everyone because you're so used to caring for them - but eventually you will take one of the biggest risks you'll ever embark on. Take that risk. It's one of the best things you will ever do for yourself. Get on that damn greyhound. Fall in love, real love. That man believes in you. That man has showed you the love you deserve and has been a pivotal role in your happiness and success since day one. Start the family you've always wanted. Because from my perspective, this future you is so incredibly happy and proud of how far he's made it. You've overcome a lot and it just keeps getting better. And PLEASE, for the love of god, cut your damn hair!
-Michael
Well Michael; it's been awhile. I've now fully invested my heart and soul into a reality i so desperately need to come true. Things have been going very well and I thank my lucky stars nightly for the blessings I've been provided recently. gone are the days of Wok Box, those shackles have been broken permanently praise God! Im now embarking on a new career path as a fitness adviser at GoodLife Fitness. It's presented it's challenges but the rewards far outweigh everything else. A small stepping stone until I'm permanently home in Ohio with the love of my life. Speaking of, that just keeps getting better and better, my heart is so overwhelmingly happy because of him. Not a day goes by where he isnt on my mind and i get all blushy and smiley even to this day whenever he comes to mind. Im a corny hopeless romantic what can I saw. I'll be headed there again in two days for his birthday. The desire to stay their is unreal, I hate leaving, it quite literally feels like a piece of myself being ripped off my body. And even though I know I'll be back, i just hate the lack of luxury of being able to spend every night together. That's my favourite - being so accustomed to his warm arms, that it becomes the only home that you know. I love him with every fiber of my being, and maybe to some it may appear a gross over-exaggeration.. but I promise it's not. My son, and my boyfriend hold so much value to my life, to my heart, to my happiness that the thought of ever not knowing either of them actually cripples me. He ignites my passions, inspires me to pick the pencils back up and continue to share my art with the world. in doing so, I've began a side business as a cartoonist, it's been providing me with income but a support system in friends who believe in my gifts the same way he does. I cant thank him enough for that. Im feeling the bags of my eyes starting to form their own sleepy bags also. So before my face slams into this keyboard and I love everything - good night everyone,
Mike
I have been neglecting a lot of things lately. Oddly enough, I've had so much on my brain that its almost baffling that i haven't bled out on my keyboard to update this damn journal. My world has been shaken. Positively, negatively, all of the above. Its been a lot to process over recent days, but I have to say, having who you consider the love of your life tell you how much you mean to him and how much he misses you can seriously turn any bad day into the best day ever. I'm so madly in love its not even funny. Home doesn't feel like home anymore, i just want to be with him always. I'm ready. I want to just go there and stay for once, not have to leave. And I know these things take time, and I know that I'm unbearably impatient which only makes it more frustrating- I still know how absolutely lucky I am.
I've found someone who makes me want to come home as much as my bed does, hold onto that person. Because its very rare in life that we find such a comfort in common things like the sound of someones voice, or the way their eyes reflect in the sunlight, or the way they smell - and how wearing their shirt you never want to wash it because every time you smell it you cant help but smile. I stay up staring at the ceiling, thinking about him, wondering if he does the same. I listen to songs that remind me of him because it feels like he's with me when we aren't together, and it always reminds me of him holding my hand in the car when we drive down quiet Ohio roads.
The impression that has been left on my heart is so real and I know he feels it too. So when he says that he'll be with me always I believe it. Those words like fireworks shooting through my body. I feel calm and yet my heart beats both faster and slower at the same time and its crazy cause I've never felt that way about anyone or anything before. Honestly articulating the way I feel about him never feels good enough, there's so much I want him to know but never know how to say it. But if only he could know that I've never loved anyone as honestly and truly as I love him, then I will find great peace in that.
But for now, I will continue to trek on through this wild adventure that we've started, knowing our goals are getting closer and one day very soon we will have eachother always. And nothing excites me more than reaching that goal, the reality we will have. I cant wait.
He'll probably read this laughing at how ridiculously cheesy and corny I'm being. Im sappy - I know it. But every word I've written is true. But enough of the incoherent babbling. My stomah is growling at me so it's time for dinner.
-Michael
There's a soft serenity and warmth in the way every word he says feels exactly like home. I'm safe, guarded, nurtured in the strong warm arms wrapped around me, attached to the soft pleasant, but tough and rugged hands now extended out with his thumb ever so gently caressing the side of my face. And as i feel the sensation of the brushing of his thumb against the dimple on my cheek I cant help but to smile and let out a sigh of relief - a soft moan from the pleasure of knowing this comfort is exactly what I needed, this is exactly where I am supposed to be. As the noise around me dulls and the sun sets i feel his lips lightly pressed against the back of my neck. The warm breath sending signals darting through my body. I hear his breathing, and feel his heart beating in pace with mine. Instinctively, he pulls me in tighter to him. Every so often his body jerking and gripping my hand tighter making sure i'm still there. But I don't want to leave, I couldn't leave. not permanent;y, not voluntarily.
In the morning the sun beams through the curtains and i wake up the same way I fell asleep; tangled in the strong masculine arms blanketing me. I look behind me and his gazing, piercing green eyes reminding me of a misty forest on a cold morning after a fresh rain are met with mine, followed by a smile and without a word, I know he's happy. Mulling over, we fight leaving the bed. The warm embraces tempt our tired eyes and it seems too easy to ignore the rest of the world and lay together entranced in a sea of blankets and eachother, savouring the moment as it soon will be put on pause again until next time. And so we exchange kisses and silly jokes and we finally take on the day together. Setting off on adventure after wild adventure and creating vivid memories wherever the road takes us. His hand rests on my thigh, inviting my fingers to interlock, and when i do, his firm grip reminds me how much i want to feel that grip forever. Like our hands were perfectly designed for eachother. His playlist loads and he mutters his favourite songs under his breath and i can tell the ones that mean the most to him because he increases the volume ever so slightly but then immediately returns his hand to my grip - only this time just a bit tighter.
He has this slight little smirk every time he talks to me and Ive become good at masking my red face but inside I'm a puddle. I still haven't gotten passed the butterflies, while every visit becomes easier and more comfortable. seeing him is like a jolt of energy rushed right to my heart. I awaken, and suddenly i have all these feelings. Happiness, generally not a word I've used in the most recent while but all other words escape me. A feeling of appreciation, confidence, as if someone finally sees value in who i am and what i have to offer. It all culminates, its turned me into who I am now, a much more centered, understanding and caring person.
I've felt a sudden surge to initiate more. for awhile my creative side had abandoned me and i struggled finding inspiration, but more and more as the layers unravel, he tells me how talented he sees me and i believe it, i believe it so much that i grab paper and i start sketching again. no specific idea, i just let whatever flows through to speak for itself. he buys me a sketchbook, and i don't think he realizes how special it is to me. To know that someone believes in your passions and encourages you, its a feeling i haven't felt in a really long time. sometimes things happen for a reason, I dont know how or why but the world synchronized in my favour enough for our paths to meet and here I am. Like a deer caught in headlights im smitten by these feelings, when out of my worst possible moment i was rescued and given a second go at a fair shake in life. those three words that I used to throw around aimlessly now hold so much merit and i don't take it lightly. But when those words escape his mouth they surround me, i believe it.
it's 10 to 2am, the only light is the soft glowing pink from the salt lamp and the light reflecting in my face from my laptop screen. My tired eyes have been fighting sleep, but this is a battle where i'm willingly accepting defeat. until next time,
Michael
And away I go! It's almost unreal, I have to pinch myself. is this a dream? is this really happening?
The bus just left the station, this time I am on it. Detroit bound currently, then layover.
And by tomorrow morning I will be in Cleveland Ohio. I cant wait.
This has all been building up to this point and it's finally arrived.
Soon enough I will be able to say I've traveled the farthest I've ever been from home, out of the province,
out of the country. And while I have those anxious knots in my stomach, i'm mostly excited.
This is a huge step for me, the fact that I'm on this bus by myself even more so.
This time last near i couldn't imagine doing something this crazy, but look at me now!
I'm also really hungry but i didn't make it early enough to eat something before boarding the bus,
so i suppose i'll just have to wait until we get to Detroit?
Am I crazy? this has surely got to be the craziest thing I've ever done in my entire life.
I'm still kinda trying to process this, and how it all came to be.
The beginning of December i received my passport in the mail and it was all history from that point forward.
I'm sitting here typing this out on my laptop, wrestling the keys with the shakiness of this bus, looking out
the windows to the snow covered farmers fields, and the pine trees - my personal favourite.
I'm really just basking in all of this, soaking every minute i can into my memory. This is an experience I'll never
forget, i refuse.
Anyways I'm going to put a movie, a game, or something on to entertain me for the next 8 or so hours.
-Michael.
So most of you whom have stuck around know of my past. The hardships and happiness, the good, the bad, the ugly.. all of it. So you know the utter heartbreak Ive gone through in the past little while. But you may also know that I've found what I truly believe is real love and happiness. It's unfortunate it took having everything ripped from under me to realize that I deserved better, and sometimes things come into play at exactly the right time. He came into my life at the right time.
Next weekend Ill be embarking off on my newest adventure... this one taking me the absolute furthest I've ever been from home. But it's going to be so rewarding and so worth it, and all the months of planning and talking, video chats, cute texts will have finally paid off. I couldn't be more thrilled. He makes me so happy and just knowing we finally get to be with eachother has me over the moon excited.
In other news I've been turning over a new leaf, starting a new chapter of my life if you will. I gave up drinking, I'm at the healthiest my bodies ever been in a really long time.. and my anxieties have been at an all time low. I feel more confident, alive, invigorated even. Its like I'm finally starting to see the bigger picture that I was intended to see - the picture ive been portraying in my head for years but could never seem to quite grasp and yet here we are now. I'm at such a solid, sound place mentally and physically. I owe it all to my friends and family for not not giving up on me, but ultimately, i owe it to myself.. i could have easily continued being my own worst enemy and sabotage any chance at inner peace and outer happiness, but instead I fought tooth and nail to be at this particular place in time. Negativity can sometimes creep its way in, that's life but I'm not inviting it in... which is the big difference between me now, and say me a few months ago.
And so with that being said, I want to encourage everyone to embark on those adventures... even if they seem scary at first, you will never truly know until you do. I am mostly packed up and ready to leave. And while I know I'll only be in Ohio for a weekend I know one day i'll be there much longer, and everything I've ever wanted won't seem like a pipedream, but it will become a reality.
-Michael
It's at this point I just don't care anymore. I've given everything I had to someone who didn't appreciate a single ounce of it. I was led to believe something meant something, only for it to be thrown in my face. Enjoy your life with your "best friend." I don't have my best friend listed as my boyfriend... but hey, maybe that's just me. I wish you both the GREATEST life, but I won't be part of it :)
All bitterness aside, I need to move on, focus on myself... getting a clearer head and a better grip on reality and where my life is truly headed. I'm moving back to my mothers, which despite me being a 24 year old moving back to my parents... I'm actually excited. I need some changes, this will feel fresh I think. The new store looks like its finally happening next week.... about damn time. I've officially been a wok box employee for 3 years (womp womp). I've also been enjoying new opportunities presenting themselves, new people presenting themselves. Life is funny that way. I guess you can really say that when one door closes, another swings open - only this door flew open! I've got some music cranked, I'm currently on the last stretch of packing. Tuesday and Wednesday are the move in days, so it's getting closer and closer and my anxiety is getting more and more prevalent haha.
Halloween was amazing, probably one of the better years I've had, especially when compared to the absolutely shiteous wasted summer I've had, it was good to catch up with old friends and truly BE MYSELF UNAPOLOGETICALLY. I've missed that. A lot.
The Kesha concert also literally took my breath away, I've never had as much fun as I had that night, all thanks to my two best friends they made such a big memory for me and I will forever be grateful that they wanted to do this with me. I know I boast and talk about how shitty 2017 has been, but there's still two months left. I feel like I can turn this year around. Here's to hoping...
-Michael such is life, it just keeps going. Things shift, the world around you changes adjusts. There's a small glimmer of hope peaking through the crack like a thin beam of light at the end of a cave. I'm hopeful, I'm optimistic. I tried forcing myself to move on. I tried listening to advice from friends and family to just throw myself back out there again. I tried, but I couldn't. I couldn't follow through knowing that I wasn't truly enjoying myself, knowing i was doing something others suggested to do because they think it will help me, but it wasn't helping.. just reminding me how truly depressed I've been. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to accept that things are over, or that they're different. And now he's talking to me, and I'm being naive thinking he wants to fix things. But it's not that easy, and I keep refusing to see that. Even though it's blatantly obvious and staring me in the face. I just love, love. I love being in love, with him. I can't let go of these feelings because it means taking a part of me with it.
I sit here, in my bed. Three blankets rested across my legs, and the heat from my laptop warming my lap. just the dim light from my lamp on my bedside table softly illuminating my small, quite room... my happy place. Where I've secluded myself for weeks. Where I leave myself to unhealthy thoughts and feelings. Squeezing my teddy bear in my arms, wishing it was his body next to me. Every day. Every night. Longing, and every day it gets worse. It's almost been a month. I can't take the pain, the realization. Staring at the days passing by on the calendar ... knowing full well how long it's been. Knowing full well that we never made it to the six months you were aiming for. Knowing we failed each other, I couldn't be who you wanted. we were both too stubborn to work on issues together, so we faced them alone and it tore us apart. I love you. And even now, despite everything, that hasn't changed. Maybe one day I'll be the person you proudly show off and talk about, and want people to know of, or get to know. And I'm sorry that I made you feel ashamed of me. But this was me, I was always me. The person you had taken such a keen interest in before, the person you stayed up all night talking to for months before we started dating. But it all just faded so fast. In sorry. I'm so sorry. I wanted to be perfect for you. I knew how perfect we were. and how badly everyone and everything was rooting for us. I truly believed we would make it. But we failed. I failed. I just wanted t be your perfect boyfriend, the one you deserved. One day to be able to call you my husband, to say that we did it. But you let go. you gave up on me
And still I keep holding onto hope.
I love you. please come back.
Am I dying? No. But a part of me feels like it has. A bitter pilled swallowed dry. A feeling of emptiness, that what used to be so great has been lost, and likely will cease to return. I have to ask myself, or God, or whatever. If this was all part of the plan for me? Why this distinct and unclear, fucking confusing journey that I am on. Why? And why is it that i never feel like Im provided with the answers that i seek - the freedom that I seek. Like life has a pocketknife in my side and is slowly twisting it back and fourth, deeper and deeper until it hits bone. Im powerless. Searching for a semblance of happiness in the darkness, a glimmer of hope or even the slightest trace of light to pull me out of this hole I've found myself buried in. It will come. It will come. Thats what i keep telling myself. A soothing lullaby, a promise that one day everything will fall into place. Maybe not anytime soon. But eventually. one day, it will all be clear. the signs, the stars, the moon. Everything will shift, everything will balance. And that true smile that once left my face will return again. And the empty space in my heart will have mended itself, leaving the tiniest space left for someones love to fill. and the world will seem less grey. And the people wont seem so cold. yes. That is what i want. That is the picture I've painted in my head a billion times. The scene i've tried so tediously to recreate with words. To pick up a pen and illustrate the beauty, the haunting haunting beauty of the world I so desperately desire. His hand holding mine, on a dock. The cool autumn air and the gentle splashings of the soft, slow pond water smacking into the support beams, the soft coo of the birds signing together in perfect harmony. The gentle rustle of the orange and yellow leaves carried through the trails, brushing gently over the sticks. The sun going down, outlining the horizon. just his hand in mind, a warm blanket and a soft gentle fire. us. together. Its perfect. But it wont be. At least not now, or any time soon. And accepting it has been the hardest thing to do. But If I truly love him, I have to hope that he will come back to me. Because deep down i believe from the very bottom of my heart that he was meant for me.
